It has been a rough two days folks and I’m not sure what to do anymore. The things that have brought me the most joy in the past are slowly killing me. I love sports more than the average man, but the last two days have been an emotional fuck fest and I’m the fluffer. The Broncos lose a Monday night thriller against the Chiefs, the Rockies take the Wild Card Playoff game into the 14th inning to beat the Chicago Cubs and I lost in FF even though I was one of the top scorers. In short, I need to vent or I am going to implode so let’s break this down a little more.
As you all know FF is something I take very seriously, hence why I have a blog dedicated to it, a weekly podcast, destination draft every year, constant slack chat talk with my mates and the most glorious 3ft trophy you will ever see. Your Commish, the valiant leader, the man who keeps on giving, the chosen one, El Capitán etc… has started out at with an abysmal 1-3 record even though I’ve scored the 4th most points in the league. My horrendous record currently has me sitting in 9th place which means I’m going to have to fight my way into the playoffs. My road to the playoffs will be just like Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, in the first challenge of the TriWizard tournament the contestants/students had to pick a Dragon model from a bag to see what real life Dragon they would be competing against. Well, I pulled out the Hungarian Horntail (the hard one for you uncultured fucks). In the book, Harry went beast mode and stole the Dragon’s egg… the problem is I’m not Harry. If Neville could grow a vagina and ovaries and Ron Weasley left some premature ejaculation inside of him 9 months later you would get me. Luckily Ron and Neville both turn into two pretty badass motherfuckers so don’t count me out yet.
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t follow baseball the same way I follow football. The game is fun to watch during the playoffs so I don’t usually watch regular season, but I do check scores and placements daily. The Rockies have been in a constant state of PMS between wanting to win the NL West and not giving a fuck. Sunday they played the Nationals in Washington and won, tieing them with the Dodgers for first place in the NL West. Monday they played the Dodgers in LA for the tiebreaker and lost 5-2 which moved them to the Wild Card game in Chicago against the Cubs. The Rockies then flew to their 3rd time zone in 3 days and took a 1-0 lead against the Cubs in the first inning. 7 innings later the Rockies are still up 1-0 and these sneaking motherfuckers decided tie it. Inning after inning I watched as the Rockies loaded the bases and couldn’t score. 5 hours and most of my sanity later, Story and Parra get on base while Wolters pop flies Story in for the lead. Luckily they were able to shut out the Cubs at the bottom of the 13th and move onto the Brewers. Being a Rockies fan is a lot like rescuing a dog who was 2 months old and just had his back leg removed because he was hit by a car. You watch him do things they said he wouldn’t be able to do and excel in life. Just when you thought you couldn’t love that little nugget anymore he eats a water bottle and has to have emergency surgery. You are told he most likely won’t survive, but 5 stressful hours later he makes it. They tell you he needs to take it easy, but this asshole doesn’t know he’s supposed to and all he wants to do is keep on playing while taking on a rested Brewers team in Milwaukee.
The Denver Broncos are so close to being a good team. Beat Seattle week 1, comeback win against the Raiders week 2, play like horseshit and lose at the Ravens week 3. That loss was tough, but things didn’t seem to be going our way and sometimes that happens. Well, now we are set up to play the undefeated Chiefs Monday Night football. The Chiefs are the top scoring team in the league and everyone is picking them to win. This was our game to prove everyone wrong. Show them what it means to be a Bronco. The game starts out better than expected. Broncos D kept the Chiefs in check and we ran the ball effectively. 13-10 lead at half felt good, but a 20-10 lead in the fourth gave me a boner that only 16-year-old Commish has ever experienced. However, Patrick Mahomes ripped my heart out. How in the fuck does he have Von Miller wrapped around his legs and still manages to shot put the ball with his left and get the first down?! That play single handedly catalyzed the Chiefs comeback to score 14 unanswered points. But wait the Broncos aren’t out yet. Three 4th down conversions later and we’re in the Redzone. Case Keenum has a wide open DT for the game winner, I can see the light at the end of tunnel. It’s literally at our fingertips and he overthrows him. So much joy turned immediately into depression. This felt like dating the same girl for 6 years, half of high school and all of college, and thinking you are going to spend the rest of your life with her. Everything is going perfect and you think you’ve found happiness. Then one awful day you find out she’s sleeping with the fucking 32 year old waiter at Red Lobster. RED FUCKING LOBSTER of all the people to sleep with that’s who you sleep with?!I don’t know what to be more upset with, the fact that you cheated or you cheated with a guy who looks like a meth head going nowhere in life. And now you are lost, confused and depressed. That’s how it feels to be a Broncos fan right now…Fuck you Tina!
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