Particle Physics for My Idiot Friends Lesson 2

I like to begin these lessons with a question because that’s usually the beginning of the learning process I normally go through. I feel the best teaching methods shouldn’t preach, but provide students with solutions to problems or propositions. But how can you have an answer without a question?

And so without further ado, I present you with today’s question:

“Do you feel it inside you?…”

Unfortunately for some of you, this may be a question you have asked a girl in bed before, but today I propose we ask it in a more… existential fashion. “Do we feel it?” And I’m not talking about the Commish’s 4.5 inch pecker, but the heavenly rays of vitamin D we soak up every day. 

To this point, I propose that we do not. We are constantly bathed in light of a variety of types, from visible light, communications transmissions, cosmic rays, to solar emissions, and so on. All of these flowing directly through and around us at all times without our knowledge in the slightest. We are very fortunate not to feel the effects of these light particles that bombard us every moment of every day. If we did, we’d be pounded harder and more frequently than your favorite pornstar in her best gang bang flick.

For this installment I’d like to focus on the communications aspect of these subatomic intrusions. I discussed in my last lesson the use of light waves in communication. Probably something to do with watching porn on your WiFi.. (I’m not sure why everything has to relate to porn but I’ll come up with some new analogies soon I promise.)

Okay so, back to communications. As you know, the modern world runs on radio waves. Radio waves are simply an excitation, a wave, in the electromagnetic field just like the visible light we can see with our eyes.

Before I get into the details, I want to highlight a few properties of electromagnetic waves: wavelength, amplitude and frequency. These will vary depending on the energy of the wave and speed of the wave relative to the observer. (I can’t wait until I get to blow your minds with a lesson on relativity. Prepare your mental anuses.)

Amplitude is essentially the height of the wave at its maximum point, while wavelength is obviously the length of the wave from one peak to the next. Frequency is the number of oscillations that occur over a period of time, in this case we measure the frequency of waves in Hertz.

Alright back to our big ol’ radio waves. Coincidentally, radio waves have a wavelength of roughly the size of a football field (go figure), almost as big as Owen Wilson’s mother. These waves are orders of magnitude larger than the particles we are made up of and thus pass right through us and most other matter in the universe.

In order to use these radio waves in communication, the equipment we use must have an antenna for transmitting and receiving the signals. This could be in your cell phone, wifi router, car radio antenna etc, they all have one. Generally each operates at a different frequency as to reduce the amount of interference with each other. By providing electrical power to the antenna we can induce an excitation in the electromagnetic field and generate a radio wave.

This is great and all, but we somehow must create a stream of data that’s not just radio bursts but actually intelligible, (unlike some of the shit that falls out of Shitballs’ mouth). To do this, we use the binary method, by alternating “1’s” and “0’s” exactly like computer bits. I don’t know much about binary or computers so don’t ask me about that shit.

Continuing on, there are basically 2 methods of creating binary data out of radio waves, one is by Amplitude Modulation or changing the amplitude of the wave for each bit (for example high for 1, low for 0). The other is by Frequency Modulation or changing the frequency for each bit (for example short for 1, long for 0). For the simple folks who didn’t notice by the capital letters, these are known as AM and FM respectively. 

On the other end, the charge in the receiver’s antenna is pulsed by the wave sent by the transmitter and translated back from binary into whatever the signal originated as. (Sound, data, porn, whatever.)

It gets a little more complicated than that for WiFi and larger data transmissions. There are carrier vs. power signals, frequency hopping for more reliable connections, different frequency channels that are used for different transmission types, (you might have a dual band WiFi router that has two channels, 2.5Mhz and 5Mhz) but you get the gist.

Now doesn’t it feel good to learn? Just relax your brain and let that knowledge slide right in. At its most elegant, knowledge can be compared to an infinite wave of light out in the vacuum of space, propagating on and on forever..

Just like those light waves, TOOTHLESS, my fantasy team will be penetrating you from all sides and angles this week, only this you will most definitely feel. The waves of my glorious victory will permeate throughout the cosmos for all eternity. I’m going to drag my big ol’ fantasy bits all over your fantasy face. THIS WEEK MY FRIEND, I AM THE “1” AND YOU ARE THE “0”.

And so I ask again “Do you feel it in you?” because you’re about to.

SPACE GHOST /END TRANSMISSION/