I would like to start things off by clarifying to the world that I backpacked overseas and not Indianapolis, get it right Commish. While I did blog overseas for 2 separate 2-month long trips (Africa & Europe), my writing prowess is yet to be determined.

Nonetheless, I ended up here with the sorriest group of friends any idiot could ask for. Before I begin my first story, I need to clarify some things about myself. Back in my college days AKA The Golden Years (and let’s be honest, for a few years after…), I would drink enough booze to sedate a small African village, black out and do some pretty stupid, albeit interesting/impressive shit. Now that amends have been made and I’m not that same degenerate (at least I don’t do that hood-rat shit as frequently), I can write about the funnier side of those adventures. Now cozy up for this first tale…

This first story takes place shortly after college (#GoDevils) and after sadly moving out of an apartment I shared with my beloved PRKR; wrapping up 4 glorious years of living together. Now, this particular story takes place on a night that started off much as any other night on Mill Avenue, with an infamous long island iced tea from the ASU-famous Cue Club. I can’t recall how many drinks I had but I do remember them all being mixed drinks with heavy heavy pours thanks to my bartending friends. Fuck you very much.

After reaching the point of no return and trying to recount the night, I noticed time lapses in my memory that were just drunken blurs of whiskey cokes and twerking Tempe 12 blondes. Think about when Bradley Cooper was browning out after mixing booze with NZT in the movie Limitless where he essentially teleported to different points in his future. Now this, unfortunately, wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew this feeling all too well and decided to make my way home since shit was hitting the fan. I was separated from the group I had originally started off the night with which isn’t a surprise to those who know me. Typically, I (usually alongside our beloved Commish), will split from the pack as soon as the first buzz sets in, in hopes of getting laid due to our charm and the fact we aren’t surround by an awkward harem of dudes. PS. this move has yet to work for us, but I’m still holding out hope.

Around 1:30AM when I was drinking my final drink at God-knows-what-bar before it closed, I pulled out my phone to load up Uber to find my way back home only to realize I can’t fucking see straight enough to read my phone screen. This is where the panic set in. Understanding that my house was some 45 minutes away driving, I knew there was no way I was getting back there and my survival mode kicked in and a little voice (I like to think it was PRKR’s) told me to go to his place in the neighboring city. As luck may have it, I time traveled at the exact same time I started walking the 2.5+ hour walk/jog to Scottsdale where I magically remembered the exact apartment PRKR lived in. When I arrived, I violently pounded on the door like the Hulk smashes his enemies because I didn’t want to sleep outside. Unbeknownst to me, his relatively new girlfriend at the time stayed over that night and rightfully assumed a madman was outside trying to murder them. Upon opening the door with weapons in hand, I preceded to walk right past them as if nothing were out of the ordinary, mumbled sweet nothings, and dropped like a sack of potatoes on the couch where I would sleep till morning. Coffee and contemplation the following morning was a story that I had little to no memory of and enjoyed hearing about this mysterious drunk Bread running amok. Piecing together that night was a whole other experience in itself, thank you Snapchat.

This was one of many drunk stories I’ve experienced in this life. Following stories will either be centered around me or one of the other fratbags in this group depending on who happened to be the prettiest girl at the ball that night.

I want to put a quick thanks here to all my friends that have had to put up with drunk Bread over the years, you the real MVP. Here’s to looking at you, PRKR ❤