Gather round boys and girls, it’s time for 10guys1blog’s first piece of hard hitting, analytical journalism. Today we’re going to tackle why every single one of you sorry pencil pushers suck at Fantasy Football.

Dr. Karatechop

As stated, I intend to bring statistical analysis and groundbreaking hot takes to this article. So I’m going to start with you Dr. Chop, our league champion, and what is most likely the easiest suckage to explain through actual data insights, unfortunately compared to how obvious your garbagocity is, it’s going to take a few lines due to your recent championship. As we all know, Chop‘dBalls will claim greatness based on that fact alone – a won championship in 2017. To him, this prooooves he’s the best. This is ironic, considering he’s actually some sort of scientist doctor or some nerdy shit like that.

As any *real* scientist would know, you can’t prove something without statistically significant data, something Chapo seems to forget when he’s not getting paid to give a shit about how the real world works. Simply put, there’s not only too much variance in this league, but also Chap’s performance.

2015 – knocked out in second round of playoffs
2016 – knocked out in first round of playoffs
2017 – won the playoffs against a record low championship score (78.7) — and that’s with every other year being 0ppr

Assuming that making the playoffs is the absolute baseline for *mediocre* play – this data points to entirely mediocre Fantasy Football performance. This is clearly a case for negative regression.

Bread has won a year, the Doc has won a year. Correlation of winning this league does not have a direct relation to actually being good at Fantasy Football. You have no balls.

Bread

You were the chosen one, and you suck ass at this. Bread is our first Taco to win the Broly Grail the season after, only to nearly escape achieving the Taco again the year after that. As someone who lives off hype alone, your ability to win the league depends entirely on which Cardinals players you can get your hands on, and which rookies actually pop off in a given year. Finally, I’m disgusted with you for turning down damn good trades I offered you just because none of the players were named David Johnson or Larry Fitzgerald.

Toothless

You drafted Greg Olsen in the 3rd round, Russell Wilson in the 5th, Stephen Gostkowski in the 7th, Seahawks D/ST in the 8th, and STILL drafted another QB and TE in the 13th and 14th round, respectively. The fact that you’ve gotten second place two years in a row is a testament to how bad everyone else is. I honestly shouldn’t even need to write anything more for this whole blog, alas…

Space Ghost

Seriously this is like naming yourself xSniperWizardAssassinX on Xbox Live.

Aside from being the only person to ever miss the draft, your results suck. Similar to your previous truck – your team never quite has everything it takes to make it through the fire and flames unscathed, and you routinely choke in the playoffs. The ultimate instance of which allowed Bread to become league champ for a year, you’re basically responsible for the single most embarrassing piece of data in the entire league.

Shit Balls

How can we measure your skill at fantasy football if your presence is impossible to measure?

Commish

Aside from the low hanging fruit – never won a championship, drafted Marshawn Lunch as the RB9 in 2017, second lowest points scored in 2017 – you narrowly escaped The Tacoship even after getting gifted Gronk for free. Ultimately, you took no shots during the draft but drafted worse than all of us. Finally, you haven’t beaten me in regular season Fantasy Football in 1,113 days at the time of writing, despite playing twice a year every year.

John Denver

You traded away Gronk for 6 FAAB. I checked.

Michelle

Our other token wins-one-year-and-immeditaly-takes-the-opportunity-to-cackle-balls of the league. You’re the Taco, enough said. Enjoy New Orelans fuccboi.

Owen

You’ve won a Taco, your team name is Sir Taco, you probably have a taco. My memory is a little hazy because I try not to fill it with such embarrassing moments, but you’re the only player we’ve had to bark at to put *actually active players* in your lineup on Sunday Morning.

Prkr

My man, you are so fuckin stupid that it took you 5 minutes to remember who the 10th player in the league was, which is poetically accurate for how forgettable your influence on the rankings have been throughout the entirety of this league’s existence. If you didn’t routinely talk obscene amounts of shit to every person in the league whenever you notice a slight discrepancy in what *might* be the truth, you’d be thought about as much as Jesse.

With easily the most embarrassing time-invested to performance ratio in the entire league, an entire season of listening to podcasts on your 2 hour daily bus rides couldn’t keep you from finishing exactly middle of the pack at 5th place. Finally, in some asinine attempt at digging the hole even deeper, you started a podcast about the league in an attempt to actually have some relevance, but instead you end up being everything you hate – just another millennial trying to whore out his hobby for money so he can “follow his passion”.

So there you have it – a statistical analysis on why everyone in this league sucks at Fantasy Football. While there will always be room to bicker about p values, probability distributions, and the application of theoretical models, may we never forget — not about the Fantasy Football in the data — but the Fantasy Football in our hearts. Like my grandpa used to say – if the Fantasy Football in your heart sucks, you sucks at Fantasy Football.